I have been in Huanchaco for a month now and have had lots of little adventures.

Getting settled into Peruvian life. For the first two, three weeks or so here, I wasn't really sure if I was happy. I was trying to decide if I really wanted to stay the two months that I promised, or if I should just skip out early and go travelling or something. But at the same time, I wasn't sure if travelling would be better..traveling, in itself, can be very, very stressful. And I didn't know what I was looking for exactly, so leaving would not have necessarily made me feel better, you know?

I decided not to do it with my boss. Eeeeeh..I just didn't feel right about it. The problem was that I actually liked him, and that can always be very dangerous. All he wanted to do with me was mess around, you know? He didn't want to actually DATE me; he wants to date all of Huanchaco, at the same time. So it just made me feel bad about myself. So, as is my usual pattern, I was an icy bitch to him for about a week, and then sort of tapered that off, and now we're cool again. So it's fine. I really don't like him the way I did at first; he's not the same person to me. So then, part of me (the naughty part) is like, well, if I don't care anymore, now I can do him! Yay! But no no, Chloe. You know that's not a good idea. And I won't. But we flirt and stuff, and I enjoy tantalizing him without giving him anything. God girls are weird.

So I am feeling more comfortable here. The things that were bugging me don't bug me as much. I have somewhat gotten used to being hassled in the street. I realized that I was being a bitch to all men indescrimately. I was assuming that if they were talking to me, they were taaaaalking to me, know what I mean? But I've started to differentiate a bit. And, after having begun to do that, I have realized that they aren't all assholes after all! This past like week and a half I've started to get to know more locals (mostly guys -- it's always easier to meet guys) and some of them are actually decent human beings. Quite a few actually.

I met one of these cool people thanks to my darling friend Sue, whom I met in the Galapagos. She told me back then that she had a guy friend who lived in Trujillo and when I was in Huanchaco I should email him. So at first I didn't do it, because the potential for weirdness is always very high in a situation like that, kind of like a blind date even though it's not a DATE, weird anticiipation, potential for many awkward silences, etc. But I decided, I'm on vacation, damn it, so I gave it a whirl. And he's actually pretty cool and totally not creepy. We've hung out a few times. He hasn't tried to touch my boobs or anything but, I don't know, I can't tell if he likes me (I mean, likes me likes me) or not. I hope not, because I just like him, not like him like him. So...whenever we hang out, I don't know, it feels a little weird sometimes. I try to hang out in a group with him. I wish he were gay; it would be easier.

Hopefully my time in Huanchaco will continue to go well. I am sad though, because next week practically all of my gringo friends are leaving me!! New ones will be coming, but still. All the more reason to meet more locals. I need to find a local boitoi to practice my Spanish with. But you know, I think I just might have...

His name is Cesar. As in Little Cesar's. His name in itself instantly gave him extra points. He lives in Huanchaco, works at a mechanics shop in Trujillo -- which means he has a job! And, get this, you guys are going to be so proud of me -- he's 26!! My age!!! And he's totally not creepy. So not creepy that at first I thought he might be gay. But no, he's just nice. Around here there is this whole culture surrounding chasing gringas. Guys that do this are called brincheros, see there's even a name for it. They go for gringa after gringa after gringa. They try to come and strike up a conversation with you when you're peacefully reading by yourself on the beach. They shout "Hello byoo-tee-full!" to you when you're walking down the street. Really, really annoying. But this boy, el Cesar, he's not like that at all. I don't think he even knows very many gringos. So in other words, I might have snagged the only nice one in town! Well, we shall see.

We ended up hanging out for a long time last night, talking and smooching and stuff. I was kind of drunk, so I invited him back to my room, which, well, I'm not actually supposed to do. I sort of forgot about that fact when I was all silly drunk. Anyhoo, we mostly just talked and cuddled and stuff nothing major, but OF COURSE, when you think you're being quiet when you're drunk, you're not. So today everybody is making fun of me. And I'm kind of afraid of my landlords. Not exactly landlords..they're this Dutch couple that run the volunteer organization, and they live here in this house with me. And they have to know I had someone over. And I'm not supposed to! So I basically feel like a 14 year old sneaking around behind her parents' back. I'm waiting to get the "we're very dissapointed in you" speech. If this whole thing with Cesar continues I'm not sure what I'm going to have to do...move or something.

Oh yea, and the volunteering. Right, the reason I'm here. The teaching is alright, I only have two classes and it's a pain because I have to go to Trujillo four times a week for just one class. But I like the class. There are two women in it, and we've done a few things outside of class, like to go to a museum, visit some ruins. So that's cool, more local friends. I'm also still volunteering at Mundo de Ninos, the boys home here in Huanchaco. That is pretty interesting actually. I never thought I would like working with kids, but I kind of do. I find I understand them more than I thought I would. They're actually pretty cool. Each with their own little personality. Man, it's sad though when I think about it too much...these kids all used to live on the streets, and they're the lucky ones, because now they live in this home. But there are soooo many kids who live in poverty, who have to go around all day trying to sell candy and gum to tourists instead of going to school. So without going to school, they'll probably never escape it...it's this vicious cycle. But..I don't know..these problems are so huge..I'm just going to do what I can and play on the beach with the kids.

Now, a lot of you are probably wondering how Chloe's professional surfing career is coming along. Well. Let me just start out by saying that I don't think God wants me to surf. I have tried to have a lesson like seven different times from three different companies, and I keep getting stood up, or having confusion with the time of the lesson, or whatever, so in the end I don't go surfing. But I will perservere! Out of all these attempted classes, I have managed to have three. First time, so so. Second time, the waves were kind of big and I just got water up my nose for two hours and by the time it was over I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue. But I thought, I'm on vacation, damn it. And I always quit sports. Maybe I should just keep going with this one, give it another shot. So I did it a third time, and hey! I kind of liked it! I totally stood up on the board, like, a bunch of times! Okay so it was the biggest board they have, but still! So I'm definitely going to do it a few more times at least. If I ever want to learn, this is my chance.

I don't really know what to write. So many thoughts are running through my head, but nothing seems new to me. It's all stuff I've thought about before, pondered about before, not ever come to any conclusions about. I think and I think and I think and I think and it gets me nowhere! Except for more frustrated. There are so many things I want to do, that I want to learn about. I want to study meditation, I want to take a yoga class, I want to learn about wine, cars. I want to join a book club. I want to learn how to drive a stick. I want to learn how to surf! (That might be the most feasable goal, at this point) I want to find somebody to share my life with. Am I achieving any of these goals right now? I want to learn Spanish better..that I am sooort of achieving at the moment. But all in all, this isn't challenging enough.

What am I learning here? Looking at the overall picture of my South America experience, I'm sure I have learned a lot. And I probably won't realize how much until I'm not here anymore, that's the way it always works. You see things better with a little distance. But as of right now, as of this exact moment, what am I learning? I'm not sure if anything..do I have to be in a constant state of learning though? Why do I feel like I'm wasting my time if I'm not learning something? If I'm not challenging myself? Don't I challenge myself in little ways every day?

Why can't I relax?? I'm so ansy, anxious. I have ants in my pants! I'm like no no no, this isn't it, this place doesn't have what I'm looking for. Which is..what exactly? A boyfriend? Is that all I'm really looking for? If so, that's rather sad, isn't it? But is that true? Is that really all that I'm looking for? It's not ALL I'm looking for, but I would say it's the major part. But still, I can't be putting THAT much of a value on it, or else I wouldn't be travelling, would I? Wouldn't I be sitting in one place, since the odds of actually starting a serious relationship are of course better in that situation? But are they really better? If I really thought they were better, would I actually do it, sit in one place?

I am exhausted!! I am mentally exhausted!! There are too many people around me! Too many people to talk to! Too many people to say the same story to over and over again!!! AAAHH! I want to smoke a big fat bowl and chill the fuck out.

WHAT DO I WANT???? I want someone to share my life with! I want someone who will let me love him, whom I want to love. I want someone to understand me! I want to understand myself! I am such a cool person, why haven't I found this yet?? WHAT IS MY FREAKING PROBLEM??

People always like me better when I'm happy. That's true of anyone. Why can't I be that person all the time? SHOULD I be that person all the time, or should I just accept that I'm NOT that person all the time? Probably the latter.

But that is a good question. Should I just accept the things about me that I don't like -- that I'm not always happy, that I'm too shy sometimes, etc -- or should I strive to change it? If I don't like it, should I change it, or live with it? Certain things I think I should change, for example, I'm too judgemental, and that I can pretty objectively say is a bad thing. But the other stuff, being shy, being overwhelmed by groups, is that just who I am? How can I simultaneously feel so lonely and want to be connected to people, while at the same time running away from them half the time, by closing myself off and just judging them?

I'm so confused, I feel like I'm fourteen years old again.

I hate the fact that David has gotten under my skin. What the fuuuuck.....after being hurt so many times, you would think I would learn! Why doesn't my skin build up? Why do I continue to fall so hard for people I barely even know, and whom I know there are like a million problems with? Why do I like him?????? Why???? I know for a fact, after I leave this place, in like a few days I won't even care anymore! Out of sight, out of mind on this one. But since I'm HERE, and I DO see him, it bothers me. I don't even know what he did with this other girl! Maybe he didn't even do anything. And even if he did, he has a right to do what he wants. He doesn't owe me anything.

I really should just listen to my heart and leave it alone. Just leave it alooone. But I do want to talk to him at least. Tell him what the real problem is, which is, of course, that I like him. If I didn't like him, it wouldn't matter. Why was I able to successfully navegate this sort of relationship before (years ago, with Colin) but not anymore? Is it good that what I want anymore isn't just a purely physical relationship? But then again, I never wanted a purely physical relationship. I have always, always wanted more than that. But when I couldn't find it, when I haven't been able to find it, I've just settled I guess. Which I don't think it necessarily an entirely negative thing, as long as I'm not hurting myself. That's where there is sometimes a question...

Does everybody have these fantasies? Do the fantasies ever come true? Are there any actual good guys out there? Probably a couple. But are there any that want me? Am I going to meet them? When I meet him, will he be ready for me? Will I be ready for him? Am I going to always feel this isolated? I feel so isolated right now.

You know, every year, about this time, I feel the same way. Why is that? I thought it was because it was winter, but here I am in Peru where it's like 90 degrees in February. So THAT can't be it. Is it really just the time of year? Still, in comparason, this February is a hell of a lot better than LAST February, that's for sure. Does every year have to better and better for me to think it matters? Why do I have to be constantly improving? Sometimes I feel like I'm doing so much internal work, I forget about external stuff..what ABOUT a career and that sort of stuff? Should I possibly be paying more attention to that? For whatever weird reason, that seems to be the least of my worries at the moment. And if I am choosing to put all my energy into internal stuff, then SHOULDN'T I BE GETTING SOME RESULTS???

I've just looked over some past blogs from my time in Spain, Yosemite, and I feel like a broken record! Have I figured anything out in the past four years? Or is it just that I feel more inspired to sit down and write when I'm feeling confused, so looking back and reading it, it seems like I'm confused all the time? I HOPE that's the case, and not that I really just am confused all the time.

I like to think of myself as a positive person, but am I really? I am definitely more adventurous than some, but that doesn't really have anything to do with happiness. Lately, I have been feeling like I've been running away. Maybe, just maybe, after this and after the summer, that will be it. I'll be done with my wanderings. Then again, maybe not. Could very well be not.

What the hell is my problem? What am I looking for? I'm like a broken record. I've felt exactly the same way for the past..I don't know, ten years? All my life? Has anything changed? Have I gotten any closer to finding what I'm looking for?

Why do I travel? I simultaneously love it and hate it. I like to challenge myself, to put myself in situations I don't understand, to have to struggle through it, to grow from that experience. I enjoy the people I meet and the things I learn from them. Are these all of the reasons I do it? Let me think of some others...I suppose above all, the purpose of all this is to learn about myself, to become more three-dimensional. To learn what I like and what I don't like, what I can do and what I can't. But for what purpose? For my own personal satisfaction, or for having a more positive influence on other people? Do I really think about other people that much? Or as much as I should? Lately I don't think so.

I float in and out of the lives of other people, other people float in and out of me. The only thing I have left of them is a memory. Maybe of only a day, a few days, a few months, but nothing really lasting. What the hell is the point? What is the point of anything? This is the part I hate.

Am I just going through a bad period? What is my problem? I'm having fun here, but I don't feel fulfilled. This should actually be a very good period. In a lot of ways it is. But I can't just cover up my fundalmental issues by doing fun things; that doesn't make the issues go away. It just distracts me from them. But I can only be distracted for so long, and sooner or later they emerge again, show their ugly head: "Hey, you haven't overanalyzed THIS issue for a few weeks..." And there goes the broken record again...

What can I do to change this? Stop travelling? What is so hard about that? It's a lot easier THAN travelling, in most ways. Why am I afraid to do it? To stop my journey before I've figured it all out? Course it wouldn't be stopping the journey, just starting the next chapter. The nesting chapter. And I'll never figure it all out anyway.

Who am I even talking to right now? I don't believe in God. What am I trying to accomplish by writing this? Figuring out my own thought process? I have some fantasies about showing this to my future life partner, but what if I never find him?

That, in actuality, is the real, real question. That is what I fear. That I will end up alone. "End up," what does that mean anyway? I desperately want to find my other half. He has to exist, doesn't he? Where is he? Is he looking for me? I need to bond to someone. I feel like half a person. I have always felt like half a person. How sad is that? Is that really true? I don't think I have ever for a moment truely, ever felt complete. Someone else has to fill me up.

There are so many aspects of my personality that I can't express when I'm alone. I can't be affectionate, I can't touch anyone, caress anyone, be naked with anyone. I can't express my sexual side. But most importantly, I can't love someone. I want to love. I want to be loved too of course, but I want to love. I hate what I'm about to say but it's true...I still think about Seth. Whenever I get into one of these moods. With him I touched what it could be like, for only a brief and fleeting moment, but I saw how it could be, whom I could be, for someone. The capacity to which I am able to give. And that is why he hurt me so fundamentally.

So should I really want to throw myself away to just anybody? Shouldn't I value myself and what I can give more than that? Once again, it would just be a bandaid solution. I wasn't even sure I wanted to start down that path with David, so why should I be upset when he's the wiser one and decides not to go there? I like him, I think he's cute, it could potentially be good sex, but what would be the point, really? To speak Spanish? That's retarded. My soul is worth more than that.

Not that my sex is equivalent to my soul, obviously. I'm just like a guy, too, I have two heads I'm thinking with. But when I'm really randy and looking to get it on with someone, half the time what I'm really looking for is the moment AFTER we're done, when we lay together quietly. Or I'm looking forward to all the hugs...What I really want, more than anything else, is the connection between two souls. And when I can't get it from a boyfriend, I'm tempted to settle for anything.

Am I going to find my other half? Since I don't believe in God, and I don't believe in fate, I don't honestly believe there is any guarantee of this. There's no guarantee of anything, really. The other thing I have to remember also is that it's not just a husband that can fulfill me. Good friends can as well. And good friends I always manage to find, wherever I go. Good friends that could become great friends, if I sat still long enough. But one of these days I will...

Another thing is, in some ways I feel like I'm an extraordinary person. Like I have the capability to do something really great. I've been given a lot of gifts: intelligence, writing ability, wit, inquisitiveness -- plus the added blessing of having at least a little bit of money, which gives me a lot more freedom. But even with all this, I'm not doing anything that great or special. Only special for myself, nothing else. Should I really be focusing on myself so much? Am I wasting time? If I were to do something great, what should I do? Write a book? Become a teacher?

Should I become a teacher? All I have is questions, how can I instruct anybody else? Why this sudden interest I have in children?

God, I have so many questions. I am so confused about my life right now. Will this phase ever pass? Will it ever all suddenly become clear to me? With every choice I make, every decision I make to do this or that, I give up every other option that I could have taken. Is that why I try so many different things? Because I'm not really sure about anything?

That, for one, is definitely true. That I am not sure of anything. All I know is that I know nothing.

God, I can behave so badly sometimes...I'm can be so immature and mean, why is that? I don't want to be that way. I shouldn't be a bitch to David; none of this really has jack shit to do with him.

I don't really know what else to say, but I don't want to stop writing. I somehow feel if I keep going, I can get to the heart of this. Oh come on though, that's not true. I'll never really get to the heart of it. Well at least not tonight. Have I figured anything out though? Any little thing at all?

This idea of teaching sticks with me...

Could I BE any deeper into my quarter life crisis?

I had a lovely two weeks with the ladies. We went gallavanting through the jungle, ate guinea pig, and had many bus bathroom adventures together. Not everything was sunshine and roses, however. What is, really?

We had a hell of a time crossing the border from Ecuador into Peru. It was definitely in the top 10 of sketchy experiences in my life. Laura said it was a lot like Tiajuana, and though I have never been there, I think she's probably right. Basically everyone was coming at us from all directions trying to rip us off, lie to us, or touch our boobs, or more than one of the above at the same time. Long and annoying story short, we totally got ripped off by a taxi driver charging us like 800 times what he said he was going to originally, but at that point it was sort of too late because he had our packs in his trunk and we were driving down the highway. I felt totally retarded about the whole situation because I was the one who was actually talking to this people, and I hate confrontation, and still, after all this time, I prefer to assume that people are nice and honest and good, when in fact this is not always the case, especially not in Tiajuana.

Anyhoo. Eventually we got to our destination beach town of Mancora on the northcoast, and everything was cool for a while..that is until we went to the beach. We were laying out, all three of us, working on our tans, and at some point some facist stole Laura's bag from riiiiiiight beside her head. The balls, I tell you! This was not a good introduction to Peru. Then, the next day, when we were swimming in the ocean, Laura got stung by a sting ray! We had to go to the emergency room and everything. At this point though everything was just going so badly, it just had to be funny. Besides it's a totally hardcore story that she can tell for years to come, and hopefully it will leave a bitchin' scar.

Besides THAT though, Mancora was cool. We rented a boogie board. I think I have a natural gift. I picked it up right away. We rented it two days in a row and by the end of the second day you could basically say I was already an expert. The surfing though..that's another story. We rented a surfboard too, a really huge training one that had this squishy padding on it so when it bonked you in the head you wouldn't get a concussion. And I think it tried to kill me. Perhaps surfing lessons are in order. I might do that one of these here days soon in Huanchaco.

Yes, I have made it to Huanchaco, my homebase for the next two months. After I left Laura and Maresa (They continued on back to Ecuador, lived through many more adventures at the border, and made it all the way to the Galapagos, the happiest place on earth) I travelled down south and spent a few days visiting some archeological sites near Chiclayo with this Argetine girl I met on the bus whom I couldn't actually understand at all. I sort of pretended I did, but I swear to God, I had no clue what she was talking about most of the time, her accent was so strong. Eventually though I toddled off on my own down to Trujillo, and from there, to Huanchaco.

Which is where I am right now. This town is pretty cool. A surfer's paradise. And if I get off my bum, I might just try to learn. But after the last board tried to eat me, I'm not sure I want to. Basically I've been concentrating on working on my tan instead. I'm volunteering at this sort of disorganized English school, but at the moment I only have one class, though I might pick up more. I'm also volunteering at this boy's home here in town, a place for some kids who used to live on the street. I'm trying to get plugged in to the social life, but I still feel a bit on the outside. I have met a lot of cool people, but unfortunately a bunch of them are just about to leave! This town is pretty chill though and the Peruvians are pretty nice, sometimes, too nice...

Yea the guys are way, way sketchier here than they are in Ecuador, it's weird. I think it's a coastal thing, but I also think Peru is sketchier in general. That has been my impression anyway. You cannot, simply cannot, walk anywhere without some man, often fat, old, or toothless, yelling out "GUAPA!!" Or some bad English like, "Ghello my fren, ahy loff joo!" It gets real tiring, real fast. When I'm by myself it's not as bad. I can almost, almost blend in. If I started to wear a bunch of makeup, a crop top, and jeans so tight they make a muffin top, I'd be in there like swim wear. But I'm not willing to do that, so I continue to stand out.

Anyway. Speaking of men. My favorite topic. It took me exactly two and a half days to make out with a Peruvian. I say this after telling you how sketchy they all are. Well, he's a bit sketchy too, but at least he's honest about it. His name is David (Dahveed) and he's the director of the school where I'm working (sex with the boss!). Before I came here and had only read things on the internet, I thought he was going to be an elderly English man, but au contraire mon frere. He is in fact young (younger than me, of course, 24) and cute. Very smart, very funny, and charismatic. And from the way he salsas, I would say he's definitely got the motion in the ocean, if you know what I mean. He actually corrects my Spanish, which nobody has done down here up until this point. Funny and I thought it must have been because I was speaking perfectly the whole time! Apparently not.

Anyhoo. I liked him right away when I met him, and things basically progressed from there. He's a nice guy, but also a self-proclaimed player. But who am I to judge? I DID have sex with Jorge less than a month ago, after all. At least I'm on my next menstrual cycle. So I think we might be starting up a bit of a thing..I mean nothing serious at ALL, and I think we're actually on the same page about that this time. I'm a little afraid I'm going to start liking him too much though. I always like the ones who don't like me! But eh, I'm on vacation, goddamn it.

It's kind of weird though because it has to be kind of a secret. Well, it doesn't HAVE to be, but I sort of live with David's boss, well not boss, but business associate, and with a bunch of other volunteers..anyway, it's a secret. So I can't over analyze it with anyone! Gagh! It being a secret is kind of fun though. Eventually though, if this keeps up, people will probably find out anyway. This IS a small town, after all.

Yesterday was really the first time anything serious went down with him. And eh, it wasn't that serious, but let me tell you this funny story. This embarrassing event has superseded all other embarrasing events that have occurred in South America to claim the number one spot on my life list of embarrassing events.

Okay, so we made plans to "meet up" last night. So we met at 10:30 on the beach and then went walking around a bit, sort of looking for a place to make out basically, since I can't very easily take him home with me. So we found this building under construction that was just perfect for our purposes. We talked for a bit, sort of made sure we were on the same page. And once the formalities were out of the way we started going at it.

You guys. Seriously. How old am I? Going to third base with some random dude in an abandoned building in the middle of the night in Peru? Didn't my mom warn me about situations like this at some point? I felt like I was 14 making out in the back seat of my parents' car. Course I didn't kiss a boy until I was 16, but I IMAGINE this is what it would have been like.

Anyway, so we're getting it on. A few people pass by, but I don't actually think anyone is going to come in. It's like midnight, what would anybody be doing around there? But then, inevitably, it happens. Right in the middle of our passionate embrace, rolling around on the dusty floor, smashed up in between some two by fours and some stray wires, in walks some guy. I have no idea what he was doing there. I think he might have been the owner or something. He probably has to patrol that building every night to make sure something like this doesn't happen.

I freeze. At this point my pants are undone, one of my flip flops has fallen off, and David has his hand up my shirt. The guy doesn't yell at us or anything, and actually I don't understand everything he says, but he says something about this is why SOME people get hotel rooms. We scurry around quickly to put right the situation and get the fuck out of there as fast as we can.
Yea. So about that. Pretty embarrassing. So after that we walk around for a while, talk a bit and stuff. Hopefully there will be a repeat sesh here soon one of these days, hopefully in a more private local. I'll keep you posted.

Oh, and Jorge. About Jorge. He's still in love with me and I don't know what to do. I mean I think he knows I'm not coming back, but I'm still talking to him through email and stuff...which I'm not sure is better or is worse for him. I'm actually supposed to call him in half an hour. I will probably not mention the story I have just told you.

So that's my life in Peru so far. I'm still settling in, not sure how I feel about being here two months yet...We'll see. I like Ecuador more. Peru smells like pee. Basically everywhere. Because it never rains here, and there's lots of dogs not to mention men peeing in the street all the time. But there are interesting things about the culture too. And not everyone is sketchy..today I went to some ruins with some of my students, that was fun. We went to Lucy's grandmother's house where she had a bunch of guinea pigs in pens, fattening them up to eat. They're actually quite tasty. But I was somehow expecting that the ones you eat wouldn't be as cute as the one's we have as pets..but no, they're just as cute. Peru, I have also found out, has this special breed of hairless dog, which they actually call the perro peruano. It's like their national mascot. And it's the ugliest animal I've ever seen. My students were telling me that there are actually laws protecting this specific breed of dog, because it's like endangered or something. Apparently they've existed here for centuries. Their urine is supposed to be therapeutic, and their body temperature is higher than that of a normal dog, so old people with arthritis often have them to lay over their feet and stuff. There is actually a law saying that at all these archeological sites they have around here, they have to have at least one of these hairless dogs. Is that not the weirdest thing?

Anyway, those are my most recent adventures. I have to go call Jorge now.