I don't really know what to write. So many thoughts are running through my head, but nothing seems new to me. It's all stuff I've thought about before, pondered about before, not ever come to any conclusions about. I think and I think and I think and I think and it gets me nowhere! Except for more frustrated. There are so many things I want to do, that I want to learn about. I want to study meditation, I want to take a yoga class, I want to learn about wine, cars. I want to join a book club. I want to learn how to drive a stick. I want to learn how to surf! (That might be the most feasable goal, at this point) I want to find somebody to share my life with. Am I achieving any of these goals right now? I want to learn Spanish better..that I am sooort of achieving at the moment. But all in all, this isn't challenging enough.

What am I learning here? Looking at the overall picture of my South America experience, I'm sure I have learned a lot. And I probably won't realize how much until I'm not here anymore, that's the way it always works. You see things better with a little distance. But as of right now, as of this exact moment, what am I learning? I'm not sure if anything..do I have to be in a constant state of learning though? Why do I feel like I'm wasting my time if I'm not learning something? If I'm not challenging myself? Don't I challenge myself in little ways every day?

Why can't I relax?? I'm so ansy, anxious. I have ants in my pants! I'm like no no no, this isn't it, this place doesn't have what I'm looking for. Which is..what exactly? A boyfriend? Is that all I'm really looking for? If so, that's rather sad, isn't it? But is that true? Is that really all that I'm looking for? It's not ALL I'm looking for, but I would say it's the major part. But still, I can't be putting THAT much of a value on it, or else I wouldn't be travelling, would I? Wouldn't I be sitting in one place, since the odds of actually starting a serious relationship are of course better in that situation? But are they really better? If I really thought they were better, would I actually do it, sit in one place?

I am exhausted!! I am mentally exhausted!! There are too many people around me! Too many people to talk to! Too many people to say the same story to over and over again!!! AAAHH! I want to smoke a big fat bowl and chill the fuck out.

WHAT DO I WANT???? I want someone to share my life with! I want someone who will let me love him, whom I want to love. I want someone to understand me! I want to understand myself! I am such a cool person, why haven't I found this yet?? WHAT IS MY FREAKING PROBLEM??

People always like me better when I'm happy. That's true of anyone. Why can't I be that person all the time? SHOULD I be that person all the time, or should I just accept that I'm NOT that person all the time? Probably the latter.

But that is a good question. Should I just accept the things about me that I don't like -- that I'm not always happy, that I'm too shy sometimes, etc -- or should I strive to change it? If I don't like it, should I change it, or live with it? Certain things I think I should change, for example, I'm too judgemental, and that I can pretty objectively say is a bad thing. But the other stuff, being shy, being overwhelmed by groups, is that just who I am? How can I simultaneously feel so lonely and want to be connected to people, while at the same time running away from them half the time, by closing myself off and just judging them?

I'm so confused, I feel like I'm fourteen years old again.

I hate the fact that David has gotten under my skin. What the fuuuuck.....after being hurt so many times, you would think I would learn! Why doesn't my skin build up? Why do I continue to fall so hard for people I barely even know, and whom I know there are like a million problems with? Why do I like him?????? Why???? I know for a fact, after I leave this place, in like a few days I won't even care anymore! Out of sight, out of mind on this one. But since I'm HERE, and I DO see him, it bothers me. I don't even know what he did with this other girl! Maybe he didn't even do anything. And even if he did, he has a right to do what he wants. He doesn't owe me anything.

I really should just listen to my heart and leave it alone. Just leave it alooone. But I do want to talk to him at least. Tell him what the real problem is, which is, of course, that I like him. If I didn't like him, it wouldn't matter. Why was I able to successfully navegate this sort of relationship before (years ago, with Colin) but not anymore? Is it good that what I want anymore isn't just a purely physical relationship? But then again, I never wanted a purely physical relationship. I have always, always wanted more than that. But when I couldn't find it, when I haven't been able to find it, I've just settled I guess. Which I don't think it necessarily an entirely negative thing, as long as I'm not hurting myself. That's where there is sometimes a question...

Does everybody have these fantasies? Do the fantasies ever come true? Are there any actual good guys out there? Probably a couple. But are there any that want me? Am I going to meet them? When I meet him, will he be ready for me? Will I be ready for him? Am I going to always feel this isolated? I feel so isolated right now.

You know, every year, about this time, I feel the same way. Why is that? I thought it was because it was winter, but here I am in Peru where it's like 90 degrees in February. So THAT can't be it. Is it really just the time of year? Still, in comparason, this February is a hell of a lot better than LAST February, that's for sure. Does every year have to better and better for me to think it matters? Why do I have to be constantly improving? Sometimes I feel like I'm doing so much internal work, I forget about external stuff..what ABOUT a career and that sort of stuff? Should I possibly be paying more attention to that? For whatever weird reason, that seems to be the least of my worries at the moment. And if I am choosing to put all my energy into internal stuff, then SHOULDN'T I BE GETTING SOME RESULTS???

I've just looked over some past blogs from my time in Spain, Yosemite, and I feel like a broken record! Have I figured anything out in the past four years? Or is it just that I feel more inspired to sit down and write when I'm feeling confused, so looking back and reading it, it seems like I'm confused all the time? I HOPE that's the case, and not that I really just am confused all the time.

I like to think of myself as a positive person, but am I really? I am definitely more adventurous than some, but that doesn't really have anything to do with happiness. Lately, I have been feeling like I've been running away. Maybe, just maybe, after this and after the summer, that will be it. I'll be done with my wanderings. Then again, maybe not. Could very well be not.