Now, on to my situation. Sigh. El Cesar. Could this be The One, Kristen? Could it really be The One? Now, before you give me your opinion, please remember to look at this as though you were me, and not as though you were you, because I think you and I want very different things and are attracted to very different types of men. Though I, too, and often attracted to men for the wrong reasons.

I think I am one of those people who only likes people who doesn't like them. Or, who like them, but not as much. Or, I only feel sure about a guy if there's a problem -- if he does something to hurt me. Because if he does something to hurt me, then I feel bad about it, and when I feel bad about it, I'm like, oh, this bad feeling must be because I love him. Know what I mean?

That said, Cesar is perfect. Except for the whole being thousands of miles away part. But he doesn't cause me any stress, so I think it's not working. Well, of course he causes me stress, but that's because I miss him, and because I over analyze him, but that's my problem, not his. All of my problems with him come from me, is the thing. I know this. It doesn't come from his behavior.

When we were together, he did do some minor things to piss me off, of course. But mostly I didn't say anything about it because that's not the type of relationship we had, like, where I had the right to discuss problems I had with him. But then everything sort of changed when we went to Ecuador...all of a sudden I realized he did care about me. And that I cared about him. So now things are different, and we talk about everything. We email pretty often, and there are all these really cheap phone cards on the internet so I can call him for pretty cheap too. So..I think it will be possible to keep in relatively good touch, if we want to.

Right now I'm just sort of waiting for his next move. I'm waiting to see if he fulfills his half of the bargain here. And if he does, if he continues to, well, I don't know. We shall see. I do NOT want another Mormon situation here. That's probably part of the reason I'm so reticent about the whole thing, why I'm holding back a bit. Because I never want to need someone the way I needed the Mormon. That is not love to me. That is something in myself that causes me to practically physically crave another person.

Not to mention there's the whole stress of, how the fuck do I get him into this country, if we DO keep going with this, but I don't even want to touch that with a ten foot pole at the moment. Yeesh.