What the hell is my problem? What am I looking for? I'm like a broken record. I've felt exactly the same way for the past..I don't know, ten years? All my life? Has anything changed? Have I gotten any closer to finding what I'm looking for?

Why do I travel? I simultaneously love it and hate it. I like to challenge myself, to put myself in situations I don't understand, to have to struggle through it, to grow from that experience. I enjoy the people I meet and the things I learn from them. Are these all of the reasons I do it? Let me think of some others...I suppose above all, the purpose of all this is to learn about myself, to become more three-dimensional. To learn what I like and what I don't like, what I can do and what I can't. But for what purpose? For my own personal satisfaction, or for having a more positive influence on other people? Do I really think about other people that much? Or as much as I should? Lately I don't think so.

I float in and out of the lives of other people, other people float in and out of me. The only thing I have left of them is a memory. Maybe of only a day, a few days, a few months, but nothing really lasting. What the hell is the point? What is the point of anything? This is the part I hate.

Am I just going through a bad period? What is my problem? I'm having fun here, but I don't feel fulfilled. This should actually be a very good period. In a lot of ways it is. But I can't just cover up my fundalmental issues by doing fun things; that doesn't make the issues go away. It just distracts me from them. But I can only be distracted for so long, and sooner or later they emerge again, show their ugly head: "Hey, you haven't overanalyzed THIS issue for a few weeks..." And there goes the broken record again...

What can I do to change this? Stop travelling? What is so hard about that? It's a lot easier THAN travelling, in most ways. Why am I afraid to do it? To stop my journey before I've figured it all out? Course it wouldn't be stopping the journey, just starting the next chapter. The nesting chapter. And I'll never figure it all out anyway.

Who am I even talking to right now? I don't believe in God. What am I trying to accomplish by writing this? Figuring out my own thought process? I have some fantasies about showing this to my future life partner, but what if I never find him?

That, in actuality, is the real, real question. That is what I fear. That I will end up alone. "End up," what does that mean anyway? I desperately want to find my other half. He has to exist, doesn't he? Where is he? Is he looking for me? I need to bond to someone. I feel like half a person. I have always felt like half a person. How sad is that? Is that really true? I don't think I have ever for a moment truely, ever felt complete. Someone else has to fill me up.

There are so many aspects of my personality that I can't express when I'm alone. I can't be affectionate, I can't touch anyone, caress anyone, be naked with anyone. I can't express my sexual side. But most importantly, I can't love someone. I want to love. I want to be loved too of course, but I want to love. I hate what I'm about to say but it's true...I still think about Seth. Whenever I get into one of these moods. With him I touched what it could be like, for only a brief and fleeting moment, but I saw how it could be, whom I could be, for someone. The capacity to which I am able to give. And that is why he hurt me so fundamentally.

So should I really want to throw myself away to just anybody? Shouldn't I value myself and what I can give more than that? Once again, it would just be a bandaid solution. I wasn't even sure I wanted to start down that path with David, so why should I be upset when he's the wiser one and decides not to go there? I like him, I think he's cute, it could potentially be good sex, but what would be the point, really? To speak Spanish? That's retarded. My soul is worth more than that.

Not that my sex is equivalent to my soul, obviously. I'm just like a guy, too, I have two heads I'm thinking with. But when I'm really randy and looking to get it on with someone, half the time what I'm really looking for is the moment AFTER we're done, when we lay together quietly. Or I'm looking forward to all the hugs...What I really want, more than anything else, is the connection between two souls. And when I can't get it from a boyfriend, I'm tempted to settle for anything.

Am I going to find my other half? Since I don't believe in God, and I don't believe in fate, I don't honestly believe there is any guarantee of this. There's no guarantee of anything, really. The other thing I have to remember also is that it's not just a husband that can fulfill me. Good friends can as well. And good friends I always manage to find, wherever I go. Good friends that could become great friends, if I sat still long enough. But one of these days I will...

Another thing is, in some ways I feel like I'm an extraordinary person. Like I have the capability to do something really great. I've been given a lot of gifts: intelligence, writing ability, wit, inquisitiveness -- plus the added blessing of having at least a little bit of money, which gives me a lot more freedom. But even with all this, I'm not doing anything that great or special. Only special for myself, nothing else. Should I really be focusing on myself so much? Am I wasting time? If I were to do something great, what should I do? Write a book? Become a teacher?

Should I become a teacher? All I have is questions, how can I instruct anybody else? Why this sudden interest I have in children?

God, I have so many questions. I am so confused about my life right now. Will this phase ever pass? Will it ever all suddenly become clear to me? With every choice I make, every decision I make to do this or that, I give up every other option that I could have taken. Is that why I try so many different things? Because I'm not really sure about anything?

That, for one, is definitely true. That I am not sure of anything. All I know is that I know nothing.

God, I can behave so badly sometimes...I'm can be so immature and mean, why is that? I don't want to be that way. I shouldn't be a bitch to David; none of this really has jack shit to do with him.

I don't really know what else to say, but I don't want to stop writing. I somehow feel if I keep going, I can get to the heart of this. Oh come on though, that's not true. I'll never really get to the heart of it. Well at least not tonight. Have I figured anything out though? Any little thing at all?

This idea of teaching sticks with me...

Could I BE any deeper into my quarter life crisis?