I don't even know what to think. I am driving myself nuts, as usual. Thinking WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH. Can I ever turn it off, ever??? If I drive myself crazy, I can only imagine how I drive everybody else!!

What am I doing with Cesar? Is this a good thing, or a bad thing? I've already broke one Latin heart, do I really want to break another? Would I break it, or would it work out? Would he break mine? What good does it do to speculate? Must I speculate? What if I don't? What if I simply go on into it head first without thinking about it too much? Would that be such a crime? Would I be capable of DOING that?

Pros and cons, pros and cons. I could list them. Now THAT would be anal. There are two main issues here. 1) Is Cesar seriously, honestly, the right one for me? Would I be happy with him forever? Would he be able to fulfill my needs emotionally, spiritually, financially? But also 2) The whole goddamn legal aspect. How do we even get started?? I have no idea!! Though I suppose it IS something that people DO, so it must be possible. It just seems so daunting..and I have no experience with it, and I have no idea where to begin.

If we really stuck this out, would I feel like I was carrying him along with me our entire lives? I feel like the husband here. The one in charge, the boss. But when we're together, it doesn't feel like that. But I mean, just literally, it IS like that isn't it? I'm the one calling the shots sort of..I'm the one with the money, I'm the one from the successful country, I'm the one with assets, I'm the one who needs to HELP him.

But what is wrong with that really? Don't I like to help people? I always help people. I always put myself in helping situations..in the jobs I choose, the volunteer rolls I fill. I seek that out, don't I? Wouldn't it make sense that I would do the same with him? I always want to help help help.

In a relationship, almost more than wanting to be loved, I want to love someone. Which I think is a very healthy way of looking at it. A relationship should be all about give and take. Could we honestly make this work? Could he be the one I'm looking for?? The thing I have wanted most in my life for like the past ten fucking years was a parter, and here's a person who wants to be my partner, or at least he thinks he does, but can I really trust that?? I'm not even sure if my own feelings, how can I be sure of his?

Will I ever be sure of my feelings? There are so many unknowns. Is that okay? Is it okay that it is like that? Can I trust that? Why do I have such a problem trusting? Oh yea because I've been screwed over every time I've trusted a man. I don't want that to happen again! I cannot go through that feeling of depression again. I don't know if my heart could take it, I really don't!

Why do I always feel things so much? Why do I always think about things too much? I feel like this relationship is bringing to light a lot of my neurosis, which I knew I had, but I don't know, they're becoming more relevant or apparent or something. Could Cesar help me with that? I think maybe he could...

But could Cesar succeed here? Could he get a good job? Could he learn English? Could he stop smoking pot? Can I trust him to do these things? I don't want to carry the whole load! I can't do that my entire life. It has to be shared. Can I count on him to put in his 50%? I don't even KNOW the guy...

I guess I just need to wait and see...